Are you really sure what you’re giving up?
I’ve always thought, that no matter how I thought about my life, how my life flows in its constant ups and downs; I have always thought that I was never alone, there was always someone out there that felt the same way in both action and feeling.
Once in a while I would get the chance to add some validity to my though, by that rare chance to talk to someone that knew firsthand or in fact felt the same way as I did.
Divorce is nothing new, but if not controlled, it can be devastating, and a person’s mind; the mind mixed with all the emotions can really mess things up. Been there done that, don’t want to go back.
Met a guy named Sam, older guy, his kids were grown, surprisingly, when the topic came up; he was willing to talk.
Sam: Yeah, got a divorce, long time ago, in some ways it was a good step; but with children, every aspect of the relationship gets strained.
Me: That I know well, yeah my dad and I never got totally along, like father and son. But I guess it comes down to quality time spent, a phone call and a birthday card was quality time for him. Guess the misunderstandings or arguments equalled out to quality time too.
Sam: I tried to avoid that stuff, I made a big mistake though, I had my children, but with education in the schools where we were living and what not, they were better off in the state their mother was living in, I had to keep my job.
Me: Distance is not good.
Sam: Tell me about it, you know there is distance, and you try to make weekends count, driving long miles, catching a nap wherever you can safely pull over; just so you can be told how little you care because you fall asleep in a movie. Couple that with the funds, child support and being exhausted just don’t mix; kids don’t understand that though.
Me: It’s difficult to explain all the ramifications to a child when it comes to divorce.
Sam: Even if they’re older, I tried more than a few times through the years to have intelligent conversations concerning the past years, they didn’t want them.
Me: In regards to divorce, that’s like turning a six lane two way highway into a one lane one way street; not conducive to a good relationship between a parent and their children.
Sam: Yeah add to that that their mother, was always ready to leave everything behind, even the kids; guess she would fight for them later, don’t know, true conversation what it is these days. Respectfully, beneficial conversations weren’t all that much better back then, I got my information about her leaving from her old boss; not quite the family way, but an eye opener nonetheless.
Me: Your children are grown, how is it working with you and your children.
Sam: Not as well as it should be working, at times I feel their love and it feels good to feel their love; then at times it feels like I’m trying to push a pallet of bricks over, you know you always get the top layer, not going to build a relationship with just top layer ~ ever.
It’s odd, they know me, my honest effort to connect, heck they have known it for years, they show very little awareness about my efforts, but they know. But you know, somehow, it’s like they think I don’t see their actions, five days for their mom and one for me; it leaves me to think that they tolerate me when they need something. I’m not blind as a bat here, again conversation would be good, with my ticker skipping a beat now and then; it’d better be sooner than later, because I have no problem checking out of this mess because they and I know I put forth the effort. It’ll be hard to ask questions then, they’ll just have to wait for heaven to get the answers.
They know my faith, they disrespect that all the time, ah they’re in my prayers. They know I am always there for them, but still I have to wait, and yet, they know I’m not gushy about life, so they know it’s honest in what they get from me.
Me: Why do you think that is, gotta make you feel bad.
Sam: Feel bad, I got over feeling bad a long time ago, what do they want, my blood; they already have that. Now, I just live in hope that they have learned a little more about life, and the values that society won’t ever be able to teach them, what’s society know about me or my family anyway.
What caused the space between me and them, it’s simple, false words between them and the rest of the family; never been close knit. But the one thing I can’t figure out is part of the family counts themselves as the good Christians, the rest are mediocre at best, the rest claim to be agnostic. So why does God have to suffer, and why do my children have to live faithless, there is only one person I can pin the reason on. The funny thing, at a gathering of family, that person asked me why our marriage didn’t last, shoot; any guesses. Sure makes me want to run the other way of the family reunion, just another out a date box of chocolates.
Me: I know what you mean, through two birthdays, I haven’t talked to my sister since way back in March, you know as well as I do I’m sure, pettiness in life is now epidemic; I’m not going to be a party to it. Gifts, everyone wants the gifts at Christmas or on the given birthdays, but some people never consider the true gifts they get through the year, a helping hand when they need it, the dropping what your doing so that you can be there for them when they need money or just someone that is willing to listen to them vent. Something simple like the cups of coffee that they may like in the middle of the day.
Sam: Those are big things on a daily basis, pettiness turns shallow at that point of time, and the true meaning of life has less and less meaning then. And wisdom from living life, if you try to share your wisdom of life in reference to their problems; you’re giving them a lecture. They don’t learn from what you lived through, and all you can do is watch them repeat their own unwanted history and anger about the same old issues. I go through that constantly, but for my children; I’m willing to go through it, mainly because I love them, but for the general public, I may or may not share what I know. I have become more and more distrusting of the general public’s acceptance of anything valuable to life, more often those values are abused and then tossed away like trash. But yet I keep trying for my kids sake, as far the public, I can’t sway that; so let the public eat cow patties and bark at the moon.
Me: I did feel kind of proud one time, kind of along those lines, however short lived. One of my children had stomach issues, I told her to start taking a good strong probiotic to get some good flora, they didn’t, so they went to the doctor in their discomfort; the doctor said get some good flora in you. It’s like we are stupid in their views, but we keep trying, just because we care, we are considered stupid; now that’s messed up.
Sam: This world is messed up, and so many people just leave the door open so that they become like the world inside their homes, it’s sad what people have done to the family; can’t understand why, and I sure don’t have to like it. Don’t think there is a Law that says I have to live by the common peoples new found code of living, so I don’t, for my kids; they get an honest love. As old fashioned as I am, when it comes to life, that deep down part of life; I feel better than a lot people these days, know where I’m headed, that’s not a bad thing. You know if my kid’s someday understand the love I have given and the forgiveness I have given in my life that made me who I am, if they someday understand and live a life in the same manner while they try to live with an abundance of calm in this ridiculous chaotic world; then by the grace of God, my life won’t have been worthless.
Me: I hope they someday understand, but Sam, your life was never worthless, they will see it, hopefully more people will too. If you don’t mind, I have a website, I’d like to share this conversation on; if you don’t mind.
Sam: Nah, I don’t mind, go ahead, if what we talked about helps someone then it was a good time spent, the coffee was good too, all three of them. Well, I gotta get on with my day, all I came in here for was the coffee, guess our paths were meant to cross; good luck with the website, what is it viral? Maybe someone will share the heck out of what should be considered an honest conversation. Thanks for the time.
Me: You too Sam, enjoy your day, good conversations add to life don’t they. Take care.
I think I don’t regret a single ‘excess’ of my responsive youth – I only regret, in my chilled age, certain occasions and possibilities I didn’t embrace. ~ Henry James
Conversations with those closest to any of us, sometimes we don’t give them the respect due them. The chance to understand can be gone in an instant, so before the widow of time and opportunity to understand more and give or get the forgiveness needed closes . . .