I Don’t Wanna Go Out That Way
Gotta have Faith to say, ah, the Big Jump, nothing I haven’t been close to before. If it’s my time, I’ll be jump’en, cause it’ll be God doing the asking. Put the spurs to Renegade’s flanks, one last ride, and it won’t be a Devils Ride, just an easy gallop and I will be home.
But what I won’t be here in my wait, I won’t be sitting around with my hackles up all rusting in my salty tears, life’s way too short to be roaming round the countryside with my back up saying poor me.
Oh God bless her, 1943 was a good year, 2009 wasn’t the year we were looking for, at times we wonder about God’s timing, we don’t think his Big Ben is looking at the same time we are, guess I’d be a damn fool to think he has a Big Ben in the first place; God’s time is just that, God’s time.
Till that day in 2009, she was the most beautiful Lady of this guy’s life. Some people go out Kevorkian style, that’s up to them, not us. They want to be dignified in their exit, such a Lady, that way wasn’t her way and she was dignified all the way. Oh the pain was there, can’t escape the pain. But her dignity never wavered, no spindly grass in her stature, she tried to the very end to be peaceful and caring, even when morphine pills became her diet; her skin all a mess of yellow gray hues, as her body shut itself down; asking: am I being short. No Punkin, you’re being beautiful.
Her being short was a worry for her, she, in all her pain, still didn’t want to offend anyone; pain so severe at times, she would squeeze my hand to the bone, then try to apologize for my pain. If I could absorb all her pain I would have drawn it all in till she had none. I’d be a long time trying to lasso that moon, the depth of such a wish to control the removal of pain from her was out of my hands; the pain removal was now in God’s hands.
Life is filled with chores, can’t escape them no matter how hard you try, can’t drink them away, no drug can scrub them away; when you sober up; they’re still there, just waiting for you.
One of those chores, a tough one for some, is that we have to face life head on. No small wonder, when the open sky can’t be seen, how’s a person gonna take a deep look into the lives we’re living. But that’s what we gotta do, muster up the courage and determination to understand and deal with life. If a person wants ignore all that’s in front of them, it’s easy, grab a rocking chair, go out to your front porch, and sit down with a fifth of Jack; then watch the world go by. But you’d be missing a lot of life, and a good deal of it the better part of life.
But thats the thing, you gotta have some real sand, none of that bottled courage stuff, it fogs the understanding. Too many people these days take the easy way through life, it’s gotta to be rough on the soul to just stand around all fogged up imitating a fence post while life passes ya by; but the truly bad part is coming to; finding out your all alone because family don’t care anymore because your actions wore them out, your once true friends have all moved on; your all alone and old, a grist of bottles by your side, and a full spittoon at your feet with more misses than hits.
But when you come out of the fog you been living in, it’s time to acknowledge the corn, it’s time to see who ya are, what ya allowed yourself to become. Right down to the fact that you’ve been painting your tonsils for so long your kidneys and liver are consumed by your own waste, your body has been starving for protein for so long it’s begun to eat itself. And now, when you see life, and you wanna live it; you haven’t got the strength to get out of the rocking chair. The sad thing, some people that think drinking and substance abuce is kool, they won’t believe what you just read; till the end when they look at the splattering of truth that’s all around them.
For some people, it’s like an important word goes in one ear, and fifteen words come out of the other; all important words, that if given a chance could have enhanced their lives far better than popping a top has. Ah, go watch Oprah, or one of the experts that believe sharks are attracted to salty water, or one of the many protesters in their plastic canoes and nylon backpacks, while they attack Shell oil for supplying oil for their latest and greatest save the earth garb.
But they like everyone else, the abusers of life in any manner, they all want to die with dignity.
Nah, going out that way, all wrapped in ruination, bodily functions out of control, racked with depression, anxiety, panic, and regrets that will over run the Hoover dam; that don’t sound dignified to me in a living or in my dying breath moment.
I’ll dig deep into knowing who I am, reach for the Love of my life’s hand, and happily and respectfully go home; and do my best to go as peacefully and dignified as she did without being too short with those around me.